childlessness

Five Welcoming Resources for Life after Infertility. (Yes, there is life after infertility!)

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Image credit: Coffeegeek.tv

When you are in the thick of infertility it can be hard to imagine walking away from trying mode.

Trying to conceive feels like movement towards a goal, something to focus on that is perhaps more pleasant than being angry at your body for not working as you assumed it would. It turns out that more people that you would expect walk away from infertility treatment without a birth of a child. This is not advertised on the brochure, let me tell you. It certainly doesn’t show up in movies or books this way either.

When you are pondering what life may be like after infertility, or if you have already embraced this shift, here are some resources that may feel like coming home, where people ‘get you’ in a way that you haven’t felt in a long time. Each has its own flavor and feel, try them out and see what’s right for you!

  1. Gateway Women- The global friendship and support network for childless women. “Whether you're childless due to infertility or circumstance you're in the right place. Pull up a chair. Get a cup of tea or something stronger and make yourself comfortable. Things are just about to get a whole lot easier.” This website is full of great resources and the Gateway Women online community site is lovely too.

  2. Chasing Creation- “My aim is to fill these pages with stories, resources, research, and insight that will do the same for you. On Chasing Creation, you’ll find posts about:

    • Recognizing and working through grief.

    • Processing the aftermath of infertility.

    • Designing a childfree life.

    • Redefining your identity.

    • Strengthening your relationships.

    • My favorite books and resources.”

  3. Clan of Brothers- “A group to give childless not by choice (CNBC) males a safe place to find support and encouragement from their brothers around the globe. Please note this group is for males only and is not for anyone who has had a child (biological, adopted) or still trying to conceive.”

  4. Childless by Marriage- “In a society where most people have kids, some of us don't because our partners are unable or unwilling to make babies. That's what this blog and my book, Childless by Marriage, are about. Let's talk about what it's really like.”

  5. Savvy Auntie- “SavvyAuntie.com is the first and only community for Aunts: Aunties by Relation (ABR), Aunties by Choice (ABC), Great-Aunts, Godmothers, and all women who love kids. SavvyAuntie.com enables and empowers Aunts to exchange ideas, get advice, find gifts and connect with other Savvy Aunties.”

The Terminology of Parenthood or Non-Parenthood Carries a lot of Weight

For some of us, what to call oneself as an adult without children can feel very complicated and disempowering. Parenthood is seen as the standard and any term to describe non-parenthood includes a ‘lack’ of something. Options I’ve seen: childfree, childless, childfree after infertility, childless not by choice CNBC, childless by choice, childless by circumstance, involuntarily childless, voluntarily childfree, nonparent, nonmom, nondad.

Thesaurus.com gives us this really appealing list of synonyms to choose from:

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Words can feel so invalidating to the lived experience of childlessness

It can be an identity crisis we didn’t know was coming. What does it feel like to name yourself childfree in a world that sees you as a second class adult or judges your choice? What is it like to call yourself childless to demarcate the fact that you have lived through a huge transformation in your expectations about life but then be presented with overt or subtle critique that if you really wanted parenthood you would have found a way.

Each person, even within the same relationship, may prefer a different term. It can also change! Personally, some days I feel quite childless and then others I identify with childfree. I’m a non-mom who loves aunthood. I smile at every baby but have never yearned to go through pregnancy. I have a childless home life but delight in the part of my practice that is child-full. If I abbreviated my truth it would be - CACABICBAAFR: Childfree after circumstantial and biologic infertility compounded by ambivalence and financial reality. I assume every other person I meet without kids has a unique story. It’s important to follow the lead of the person and respect the terms that they use even if they don’t resonate with you.

Mental Health professionals and childless clients

A note for any mental health professionals reading this- If you work with childless people and have yet to think about your own unconscious biases about this group, a great place to start is thinking about how the terminology of non-parenthood may enter your sessions. We are taught to both follow the client’s lead and also to examine our countertransference in the room. What about this terminology strikes a chord within you and why? In my writing on my website I tend to use “childless” and “childfree” because they are so widely known but I respect and honor all terms!