For some of us, what to call oneself as an adult without children can feel very complicated and disempowering. Parenthood is seen as the standard and any term to describe non-parenthood includes a ‘lack’ of something. Options I’ve seen: childfree, childless, childfree after infertility, childless not by choice CNBC, childless by choice, childless by circumstance, involuntarily childless, voluntarily childfree, nonparent, nonmom, nondad.
Thesaurus.com gives us this really appealing list of synonyms to choose from:
Words can feel so invalidating to the lived experience of childlessness
It can be an identity crisis we didn’t know was coming. What does it feel like to name yourself childfree in a world that sees you as a second class adult or judges your choice? What is it like to call yourself childless to demarcate the fact that you have lived through a huge transformation in your expectations about life but then be presented with overt or subtle critique that if you really wanted parenthood you would have found a way.
Each person, even within the same relationship, may prefer a different term. It can also change! Personally, some days I feel quite childless and then others I identify with childfree. I’m a non-mom who loves aunthood. I smile at every baby but have never yearned to go through pregnancy. I have a childless home life but delight in the part of my practice that is child-full. If I abbreviated my truth it would be - CACABICBAAFR: Childfree after circumstantial and biologic infertility compounded by ambivalence and financial reality. I assume every other person I meet without kids has a unique story. It’s important to follow the lead of the person and respect the terms that they use even if they don’t resonate with you.
Mental Health professionals and childless clients
A note for any mental health professionals reading this- If you work with childless people and have yet to think about your own unconscious biases about this group, a great place to start is thinking about how the terminology of non-parenthood may enter your sessions. We are taught to both follow the client’s lead and also to examine our countertransference in the room. What about this terminology strikes a chord within you and why? In my writing on my website I tend to use “childless” and “childfree” because they are so widely known but I respect and honor all terms!