What to do After Infertility
I am unsurprised that “What to do after infertility?” is a common web search. It’s actually one of the top five that brings traffic to my page, even though I don’t list a specialty in infertility.
Experiencing infertility is a life changing event and contrary to many assumptions not all people walk away as a parent. Those in the thick of infertility are often quite busy getting consults, exams, and treatment reading research and blogs, looking online for explanations and options, and/or seeking therapy. When reaching stopping point it can feel very strange to not have a thing to ‘do’ anymore. Sometimes people use metaphors like being a fighter or a warrior during their infertility, but what are the implications of those metaphors once someone pivots to a childless path? Did they not fight hard enough? (ugh…) There are not many new metaphors to use after infertility.
Why do we have this gap in awareness about childlessness? Can you think of a book or movie that includes infertility AND it resolves in permanent childlessness? Or, gasp, happy, well adjusted, childlessness? Going through infertility is pretty structured with an abundance of easily findable resources and even celebrity role models. Facing childlessness after infertility can feel like there is no longer a road map and it can take a lot of work to find new role models or media representation.
So what is there ‘to do?’ I can tell you that research shows that most people regroup, make sense of what has just happened, find supportive communities, ask for support within existing communities, and create or discover new life goals. This may seem like an impossible ask- to hit the ground running on a new life course. It is quite normal and even recommended to take some time to cocoon, mourn, and connect with support. It’s a transformative experience and requires a lot of energy, self-reflection, and self compassion.
My last piece of advice is to peek over into the childless community and see what we have going on. It’s how I coped (and continue to, tbh!) and you will find a welcoming group of people. We’ve arrived at this status of ‘nonparent’ for different reasons, but our commonality creates a lovely bond!
If you’d like to learn more, I have some resources specific to this topic here: https://whattodoafterinfertility.com/