“Katie, you might have kids but if you don’t life will still be awesome.”
No one along my ‘journey’ of potential parenthood thought to give me this particular insight or support. A few were very supportive of whatever mood I brought into my appointment but still didn’t quite get into the territory of helping me see that life without children would still be vibrantly awesome.
Instead I heard:
“Just relax, I bet it will happen in Maui.”
“You’re so healthy, I’m sure you’ll get pregnant!”
“You have plenty of time” (I was 42. That was.. perhaps inaccurate?)
“Don’t give up yet.”
“I can just feel it, next year at your checkup you’ll be a mom.”
“Stay hopeful and positive.”
“It’s probably just…. (insert weird stereotypes, medical myths, and pop psychology)”
I was such a compliant and provider-pleasing patient that I actually smiled and nodded during this crap. I’d cry in the car or be grumpy for days after without understanding why. I learned to tell myself what I needed to hear. My husband and I repeated it to each other frequently “We’re going to get through this and life will be amazing no matter which path!” or, on less perky days “This sucks, but we can still have a house full of dogs and craft projects one day if we don’t have kids, right?”
I started peeking over into the books, podcasts, and blogs of childless folks to make sure it was ok there. It was! It was the most authentic and validating space. I lurked around but didn’t participate until childlessness felt like my full identity. I learned a lot and could name what I was going through - disenfranchised grief, ambiguous loss- and that it would transform my life and sense of self in unexpected ways, but not always horrible. They gave the first confirmation of the reality that life is still shiny and happy without kids.
Should providers stop saying hopeful things? Perhaps not, that would be kind of a bummer too. At the very least, stop telling people to relax. The support we give our clients and patients needs to resonate with their mood and the circumstance and give permission for the person to take off the mask of positivity. Make sure to check in with the ones that smile through the appointment too.